What I won in 2006

Well now it's time to post my wins for the year 2006.  It was a pretty good year all and all.  This year I started back doing the snail mail thing again.  Did pretty good there too.  Since I pay about $60 for my two memberships you can see I more than made up for what I spent.  That even includes stamps to send out the sweeps.  Gosh.  How great.    marlboro canvas and leather backpack, Creative Nail Design nail polish (ARV $6), Criando a Su Niño con Orgullo Latino by Carmen Inoa Vazquez, Ph.D (ARV $11.95). How to fold a t-shirt shirt $20, Kodak Photo stickers $2.99, Final Drive:Nitro (ARV $19.95). $100 publix gift certificate, Hills Bros. Cappucino free product coupon (ARV $4.99). When Zachary Beaver Comes To Town DVD (ARV $19), coupon $2.00 Frigo Cheese products, Three Molly Moon books (ARV $30.97), Gingerbread Man shower gel and bubble bath (ARV $18). signed Joey Daniels CD. ($20), Personalized luggage tag with featured artwork by artist Sheila Crider (ARV $10), The Experts Guide to Life at Home by Samantha Ettus (ARV $19.95). Officially Licensed 2006 NCAA Championship DVD (ARV $20). Mixing bowl (ARV $10). $40 VISA Gift Card. (which was sent to son by Burger King), Coupon for five 2 Liters of any Coca-Cola product (ARV $7.45), Mongoose Tirage Men's 26-Inch Mountain Bike ($149), Further Down the Road CD ($20), Elmer's School Supply Package ($100), Signed photograph of Vivica A. Fox (ARV $50), DVD of Mitch Albom answering 15 questions about his life and his work, DiGiorno pizza free product coupon (ARV $5.93), One 5"x7" Print. ARV: $0.99, A Cosmetics Gift Certificate from Jaffra Cosmetics ($10), Authentic New York Jets hat. (ARV $20), $10, Starbucks® Card ($10), Year's worth of Eli's Cheesecake ($542), Can of Glade Air Infusions and coupon book(ARV $3), $10 Visa Reward, 2-night trip for two to New Orleans, LA, and a 2-night trip for two to Chicago, IL; includes tickets to the New Orleans Ghost Tour and Chicago Hauntings Ghost Tour (ARV $3,698). Writing Home: Collected Essays and and Newspaper Columns from 1992-2004 by Cindy La Ferle (ARV $16.95). Hare Today Gone Tomorrow by Cynthia Baxter (ARV $7), : Twelve cartons of Edy's Slow Churned Light ice cream and napkins, ice cream scoops, spoons, name tags, disposable camera and more (ARV $350), Connect Cash code for 15 song downloads ($14.85), Four Bratz Genie Magic dolls, Bottle w/Katia, DVD and CD (ARV $82.96), Superman Returns Action Figure by Mattel (ARV $9.99), Ativa shredder DQ60M ($40), Reese's Limited Edition t-shirt (ARV $15), Free movie ticket (ARV $12), Two movie ticket gift certificates to see the Cars movie or any other Disney movie currently playing at participating theaters (ARV $24), 5 Ringtone download (each ARV $1.99-$2.99). $25 Spafinder.com gift certificate, Sony Portable DVD Player Value ($300), (4) $3 Bruster's card, 6 free Bruser's waffle cone coupon ($3.95 each), (1) $5 Bruster's card, Superman Returns Mattel Kryptonite compound (ARV $4.99). Two Herb Alpert CD's, 2 hot tamales candies ( 79 cents each), Publix gift certificate ($10), elmer's glue (), publix gift certificate ($25), ICBM (Ice Cream By Mail) of one multi-pack of each flavor of The Cone (Cherry Garcia and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough; each multi-pack contains three cones (ARV $43), Esquire magazine subscription ($8), $25 Kodak EasyShare Gallery Gift Certificate ($25), Avery meeting and event solutions products (ARV $857), iPod Shuffle, Pedometer and water bottle ($75), Second Prizes: A Sony MP3 Player. ARV: $89.95, Pentel ErgoTwist pen or pencil (ARV $6), ConAgra Banquet product coupon (ARV up to $7.99), $200 Visa Gift Card, $50 Rite Aid gift certificate, $5 home depot gift card, $100 visa gift card, Phat Girls DVD ($20), Nokia Talk and Go mobile phone with 150 minutes. Value ($64.99), Coupon for a free small nugget tray (ARV $20), V8 Splash Tee Shirt [Adult S] (ARV $10). V8 Splash Mini Basketball (ARV $10). One year magazine subscription to choice of publication from a list provided by Sponsor at time of winner notification (ARV $3.50), Micro chenille robe from Colorado Clothing Company (ARV $29.95), GA Bull Dogs canopy tent ($260), Blue Bunny t-shirt and beach towel (ARV $36.95), Mrs. Meyer's Clean Day dish soap, all-purpose cleaner, counter top spray, surface scrub, surface wipes, stainless steel spray, and window spray (ARV $40.93), $15 iTunes Music Store card, $20 starbucks card, Signature John Morrell cutting board (ARV $25). Dr. Kimball And Mr. Jefferson ($25), Ringtone provided by Juice Wireless (ARV $3). CONNECT Cash code good for two song downloads at CONNECT Music (ARV $1.98). $50 gift card, Avène Tinted Compact SPF 50, $10 DisneyShopping.com Online Gift Card, $10 alloy online credit card, Bacardi Silver holiday prize pack with recipe tree, recipe pack with recipe cards, stirrers, "naughty" and "nice" guest towel set and Bacardi mixology recipe card deck (ARV $40). Little Debbie Race Packs (ARV $50). / message --> sig -->

CVS

First I finally got my first ECB receipt.  It was for $2.99.  I have to use it by December

Snuggle was on sale with card for

2/$5.98 I bought a liquid 40 oz snuggle and an 80 ct dryer sheet box.  I had a coupon for each of those products.  Both for 50¢ on one product, this brought the price down to 2/$4.98.  The next time I go shopping I will get back another $2 which would really make the price of the Snuggle 2/$2.98 or about $1.50 a piece.  Not bad. 

I also bought some Tylenol products.  If you buy $10 worth of items you can get $5 ECB.  Tylenol Go Tabs with $3 but with coupon they were $2.00.  I felt guilty about buying these because it just seemed to be a big extravagance.  Even worse for me was the Tylenol allergy multi-symptom and Tylenol Extra were on sale at $6 a piece.  Keep I mind that I don’t pay that much for aspirin because we buy the Walmart brand with 100 for about that much.  Thank goodness I was in possession of $1 off coupons for each of these purchases also.  So thus far I’m out $12 rather than $15, but let not your heart be troubled, I ill receive $5 ECBs for that purchase so now I’m down to $7 or my purchase and that’s not so bad.  After all Walmart’s allergy relief medicine is I almost that so I’m not feeling as bad.  Then I found out about a possible $5 rebate off that part of my purchase and so now I’m pretty happy because my final purchase price would be $2 if I get this in.  Hey if you are reading this let me know if you are interested in the website where I found this $5 rebate.

I also went to Eckerd today to get some deals.  Suave shampoo was on sale for 88¢ a piece.  I was able to use 2 different coupons on the four I purchased.  One was from the store circular which gets you a dollar off the purchase of two.  That means I bought two of them for about 38¢ a piece.  The other coupon was 50¢ off the purchase of two and gave me 25¢ a piece off each making those 63¢ a piece.  Eckerd also had Suave body wash off which was helpful becaus e we just ran out of it today.  It was 2 for $3 but with my 75¢ off coupon I bought them for 2/$2.75 or about $1.32 each which was pretty good because the ones I bought were normally like $2 a piece or some craziness like that.  I say that knowing full well that we have been using Bath and Body wash that I bought on sale after the holidays and some that I received as gifts last Christmas so I kind of forgot how much body wash cost.  Crazy as it seems I don’t feel guilty about buying BBW for about $2 on sale after Christmas but it’s like a guilty pleasure and there is more on that later.

Now here’s a revelation.  Although I was born a blonde I haven’t been a natural blond since 1977 when I turned 17.  When I turned 21 I began coloring my hair at home and usually go out of my way to find a good deal on the stuff.  At one point, about seven years go, I actually had about a years supply of hair color from various companies sitting in my closet.  Garnier had two of their hair colors on sale. Both were on sale for $4.99 a piece.  Coupons made this very palatable because I had two coupons for Garnier One for $3 and one for $2.  This means one of them was $1.99 and the other was $2.99.  Plus after I finish this I have to go check up on how to get my points for buying this because Garnier actually gives you points for buying stuff.  I’ve never done it but I will try it and see how it works.  Again, if you are interested, let me know and I will let you know how to do it.

Oh I promised t tell you about Bath and Body.  It turned out there was a really good gift card that was mailed to our house.  I could buy whatever I wanted and then the other item up to $12 was free.  EVERYONE knows that normally Buy one Get one means that you get the cheaper one free.  Not so with this gift card.  I actually bought one of those travel size body washes and then I received a 16 oz bottle of Crazy Caramel Corn Body Wash-Bubble Bath-Shampoo products. I had never tried it before and I thought what the heck, I had a hard time deciding among the many fragrances.  So even though I paid $3.50 for a travel size of Amber Bath wash I was able to get the other free, free, free.  So you might say it was like buying the other item for $3.50 and getting the travel size free.  Extravagant but I guess I’m able to justify it because I also received a gift certificate for $10 off any $30 purchase.  Well it turns out a woman’s magazine has that same card and I was able to get a couple by asking people for theirs.  Guess it’s back to Bath and Body for me.  Hopefully tomorrow.

I have been incredibly busy and believe me that’s no excuse for not writing more about an incident sooner.  This week though really brought it all home all so much more clearly about the urgency for me to write this.  

As many here know, I am a Business Teacher (vocational teacher).  I teach “regular” students.  Now really what does that mean?  Regular?  Oh yeah, “Normal” er ah gee what does that mean oh I remember “AVERAGE” students.  What exactly is average anyway?  If you are a mother would you say your child is AVERAGE?  If you have more than one child are they average inasmuch as they are relatively the same?  Are they normal?  I guess normal being defined as falling between some prescribed medical definition of that?  So if they are normal then they aren’t genius because genius is not NORMAL it is not something you find in every student which is why it is considered unique and not NORMAL.  HMMMMM maybe normal’s not always so great.  Because I teach vocational students I have teachers who teach in the academic areas who feel “sorry” for me.  They feel I am not tested and challenged by my students.  OMG if they only knew how much I am tested and challenged by my students.  My students often include many with special needs.  I could go through an alphabet soup of them with you but I will be the first to admit that there is NO WAY that college or life prepared me adequately to meet the challenge of teaching these kids on a daily basis.  I have had to learn what I know from something other than a textbook and that is life.  Still at times I feel overwhelmed by magnitude of it all.

I could never, ever imagine what it must be like to raise a child with a disability.  There is no way any of us could unless we ourselves were “walking that mile in their shoes”.  When we longed to have children we all wished for rosy cheeked children who smiled when they heard our voice, seldom cried, were creative, bright, well-behaved, attentive and the list goes on.  How many of us when we traced our fingers over our swollen bellies said, “Gosh I hope this one is a challenge.  I hope my precious infant has physical and mental challenges.”  God blessed me with two beautiful and healthy sons.  I don’t even begin to believe I deserved to be so fully blessed by the wonderful sons he gave me.  They are my joy and they are my life.  I know only of silly boy things like bringing home bugs, snakes, and tadpoles, of flying kites, tracking mud across my carpet, refusing to clean a bedroom, pushing vegetables around a plate because they are yucky, and the list goes on.  I do not know from personal experience how it would be to raise a child who faces the challenge of Autism.  

This week I had to attend a parent/teacher IEP meeting for a boy who was in my class last year.  His new teachers don’t know him well enough so they asked me to attend as his regular ed teacher.  I will call him “Roger”  (not his name).  Clinically, if you looked at his parents you would say he won the genetic lottery.  His mother is a cute, petite, bright woman who teaches math at one of our local colleges.  His father is a surgeon.  His older brothers are in college now.  Roger, however, has Autism.  I was never trained how to help an autistic kid and so I had to learn from scratch.  At least I had trained professionals right down the hall that I could ask if I had a problem.  If you have never been around an autistic person they are not cookie cutter versions of each other and NO they are not ALL Rainman.  Roger is tall and I’m certain if he wore contacts and cut his hair like the other kids, under different circumstances he would have to beat the girls off with a stick.  As it is he has that “computer geek” look about him which is not altogether unattractive.  It’s his behaviors that you will find distracting.  I’m not saying he’s acting out or doing bad things.  He does this thing with his hands when he’s nervous and they begin to flutter like butterflies as he speaks.  Sometimes he ignores personal space and get right up next to you to tell you about last nights Simpson show.  He will then begin to tell you from the first credit until the last exactly what happened and what actors played what character.  He loves superheroes and he’s VERY Afraid of robots and the “FUTURE”.  When he thinks about those things his hands flutter about and sometimes he will run up to me grab my hand and say “You gotta help me.” 

This can be very distracting when you are teaching.  I have 25 students in my class.  In almost every class I have two special needs students and then I have a number of students who qualify for other interventions to assist their learning and then we have little miss “average” student.  As much as I would love to spend my time with one student and be there solely for them I just can’t.  I owe all my students help.  When I had Roger in class last year it was relatively easy to calm him down or distract him from his diatribe and then move on.  This year he’s especially agitated.  The second day of school he RAN up to me in the cafeteria and said “You gotta help me.  Robots are killing everyone.  I just want to be normal.”  Wow what do you say?  I took his hand and asked him if he was OK tried to find out what was wrong but he kept repeating it over and over more frightened each time.  I took him by the hand, got his lunch and took him to his special teacher.  Gosh if I was his parent what would I do?  I have the luxury of saying “wow this is too much for me and then taking him to someone smarter than me.” 

The meeting was held because his outbursts at school had gotten out of control and they wanted to see if maybe some of the meds he was on were causing a reaction or what.  Mom sat there and tears were welling up in her eyes.  I sat next to her grabbed a tissue and then grabbed her other hand.  I looked at her and imagined I saw my friend.  I just wanted to cry.  Then she told me that she appreciated how much I love Roger and that she just wished people understood.  People blame her because her son is Autistic.  OMG blame?  What in the world for?  Now I’m really thinking of the girl from my other site.  I couldn’t imagine being in this position.  The special ed teachers were suggesting he get re-tested and asking when he was going to see the doctor etc.  Then Roger’s mom told us about an incident that happened when Roger was in middle school.  Some kids threw Roger to the ground, beat him, stomped on his glasses, and called him retard.  Now those kids are up at our high school and Roger is afraid to take off his glasses even when he showers.  The viciousness of the attack was such that I could hardly breathe as I listened.  I thought for a second, what kind of kid could be so evil as to attack a child who already faces so many challenges?  Then I thought gee what kind of adult could be so uncaring, and EVIL as to attack the mother of a challenged child and make fun of her most precious possession?  That’s how kids like that are formed because they have such parents.  Roger was kept out of school for several days and they are trying new meds.  I saw him in the hall yesterday and he came up and told me that I shouldn’t be afraid of robots but then his hands began to dance and he said “you need to help me.  I just want to be normal.” 

What’s better than free?  Well free plus three.  Plus three what you might ask?  Well let me explain.  This weekend I found a coupon for Aquafresh for $1 off.  I happened to remember that Eckerds had an offer for $1 back on the purchase of Aquafresh.  So I decided to check it out.

Eckerd’s had Aquafresh (6.4 oz) for $1.99.  That was before my coupon.  After the coupon that brought the price down to 99 cents.  Then I just take the receipt and mail that in for my $1 rebate.  Which means free toothpaste!  I am sure you understand that part but what exactly is the plus three.  Well on the inside of the Aquafresh box was a code and that code was good for three 99 cent downloads from Sony Connect.  This of course would be a $2.98 value.  So let’s review, the original cost was $1.99 and the value of the downloads were $2.98 so even before the refund and coupon I was coming ahead by 98 cents.  Since I did have the coupon and the rebate I’m actually ahead $4.97.

Yesterday I also got another sample from Walmart.  It was for a mouthwash called Oasis.  I really like these free samples and will continue sending away for more. 

            I love free.  I have always loves going to events where free samples are being handed out.  I used to go down to the Sam’s club and eat all the samples they had and sometimes it was like eating a full meal.  I would go to radio stations where they were giving away free food along with concert tickets movie tickets, and cds.  

Not too long ago we took my parents to see a model home that had a radio promo going on.  They were giving away a very nice meal.  There was bbq, slaw, and potato salad from Red White and Hot BBQ.  They also had free pizza and dip dots.  As there usually is at a live remote there were prizes and Mom, Dad, Darryl, and I walked away with free Cds and free fries coupons from McDonalds.

I’ve been getting lots of free samples lately.  They are just so very convenient for travel.  The fact that they often come in a small box just makes it exciting for me to open the mail.  Darryl finds it crazy but that’s how I feel.  Yesterday I received a free sample of Aquafresh Extreme Clean.  In that same mail deliver were three samples of Jergens lotion.

One is Shea Butter, one is Skin Smoothing, and the other is Ultra Healthy.  Since I used moisturizer every day this is great.  They are in the small packets and I can just slip them into my cosmetic bag.  You’d be surprised at the number of hotels that have stopped putting shampoo in your room.  Now I always bring my own.

I have decided along with keeping up with my coupon savings I will document my freebies which don’t include what I get from sweeping.  Trust me I get coupons for free things from sweeping but I just feel this is a different place to put them. 

Years ago I read an article in a woman’s magazine and it featured a woman who purchased a whole shopping cart filled of food and after coupons and rebates walked out paying about a dollar or so for everything.  She was a stay at home mom and she made it seem that by clipping coupons one could make this a reality.  That’ what I wanted!  I wanted to stay at home, watch my kids grow,  be all fussy with the house and the cooking.  What a dream!  Did this ever happen for me?  NO!

When I first married Steve I wanted to prove to him that I could save so much money and live so frugally so that I could stay home and Steve could work.  This was a NO for Steve.  He felt I should have a job and my pay should go for everything from food, to rent, to utilities, and he would be responsible for his car, his gym membership, and his drinking with his friends. 

I started out pretty naively.  I would buy things and when I got a really good deal on something I would show him hoping he’d take an interest, hoping I could show him how other women were able to do what I wanted to do and stay home. I used to write my parents and my sister and brag about the good deals until Mary made a comment about how she doesn’t use coupons anymore because Randy makes enough where she doesn’t have to anymore.   For Steve it only meant more money for him to spend. 

It was a lonely hobby and it wasn’t paying off the way my other hobby was which was doing radio contests.   With that hobby Steve and I went to concerts all the time and won albums, t-shirts, etc, etc.  Although I got some really good deals I never good do what that woman in the article was able to do and so I let it all just pass me by. 

I tried again after I graduated from college and got my first apartment.  I did much better then.  I was able to stock pile free or nearly free laundry detergent, toothpaste, deodorant,  etc.  I would send away for some of the premiums and after all those years on welfare it felt good to be using all name brand items and buying them far cheaper than the store brand. This time I was way more organized than before.  I would go to stores that offered double and even triple coupons and mail away for rebates.  I began to start saving up the little checks here and there and depositing them into my account and even opened an account for my youngest son. 

By the time I moved to Newport News I had saving down to a system.  I had quit buying all my clothes at the second hand stores.  Now I bought everything brand spanking new and not at Walmart.  I shopped at Dillards and Hechts where there weren’t children running through the store screaming.  I’d buy $60 dollar dresses for $10.  I’d buy Mike  a $100 coat for $15.  They were all name brands even my darn shoes which I’d buy at 90% off.  What a hoot.

Groceries were great at Harris Teeter.  I’d buy what was on sale, especially if it was buy one get one free.  If I had a coupon even better.  They would print out extra coupons for you to use on your next visit.  I’d buy our dog food at Pet Smart by going to the back of the store looking for bags that had been marked down sometimes up to40% because there were tears in the bags and then I’d use a coupon. 

Then I married Darryl and I moved to Georgia.  There was no Harris Teeter anymore.  I began shopping at Walmart and hoped I was saving money although it never felt like I was. 

Then yesterday I happened upon a coupon site by going to the Sweepsheet site.  I’m glad I subscribed to this site.  Three is some chat there but most of it is about sweeping not about political, anti-religious, sex, drug use, etc.  I still love my other site but this was just a different avenue for me to do more snails.  After all I used to do snails and I would win things.  I even won a bike for Mike years ago.  It was so great to be able to give him a bike.  I have only won a couple of things that were only mentioned on that site.  One was a Reeses t-shirt and the other was a $40 gift card that went to Mike.  I’m keeping my fingers crossed though.  I do win lots more on Online-Sweepstakes.com  I’ve won lots of stuff from that including 2 of our vacations for the next year. 

Well that’s when I took a look at the link for coupons.  I used to subscribe to the magazine Refundable Bundle.  I remember looking through it years ago for things I would use  I let my subscription lapse all those years ago and didn’t renew.  Couponing can be such a solitary hobby. Wow have things changed.  I clicked on to the link and people were actually taking pictures of all the stuff they got for free and had ideas that I hadn’t thought of or hadn’t tried.  Things like buying things really cheap or free and selling them at a yard sale. 

So I said what the heck.  I’ve been kind of doing money saving stuff by looking for red coke caps and plugging them in to get merchandise as gifts for my boys.  I started doing my points.  Doing the surveys.  Heck.  Maybe I still have it in me. 

So I went to Eckerds today to check things out.  I needed some hair dye and I noticed in their markdown area they had hydrience marked down to $3.94.  That alone would have been a good price but  I just so happened to have a $4 coupon for that stuff.  So actually I came out 6 cents ahead.  Then just the other day I received a $1 off coupon for a new shampoo called Sunsilk.  At Walmart the darn thing goes for $3.19 a bottle.  Way too pricey for my blood, besides I just recently won a bottle of shampoo and when that runs out I’d just go back to whatever was cheap.  Eckerds had the shampoo on sale for $2.99 and they were offering a $1.00 rebate.  This brings the $3.19 shampoo down to $1.99.  Don’t forget though I still had that $1.00 off coupon.  So really I only paid 99 cents for it after I send in the rebate.  Now that’s a good price for shampoo. 

            That alone would have been good enough to walk away with but just as I was leaving my eyes caught hold of some Clairol Ultress Hair color.  I love that stuff and believe me It’s expensive to dye your hair.  Even the cheap stuff can run you $3 a bottle and this one usually runs about $6 these days.  For a long time I never paid full price for hair dye.  I always bought it on sale and often bought it for as cheap as $2 or so.  Then we stopped subscribing to the paper.  That wasn’t in our budget anymore because Darryl had begun his own business and everything was caught up in that.  So I stopped getting coupons and Darryl only wanted to shop at one store and get through it quickly.  Anything else was wasting time and not valuable use of my time in the big picture.  That’s Darryl though so caught up in the big picture that he fails to realize that he might need to save some money to make the picture a reality.  I had a $1 coupon for another hair color and for a second I wondered if this was the same thing.  Then I pulled up the box to see how much it cost.  Can you believe they accidentally priced it at 47 cents?  Good grief.  I picked that thing right up and brought it to the register. 

            Earlier today I walked though the dollar general store and noticed that they had Colgate toothpaste 4 oz size on sale for $1.00.  Not a bad price.  Certainly a better price when I went back and handed the woman a coupon for 75 cents and bought it for a quarter.  Those travel size toothpastes are so expensive but now I have a decent size tube and I only paid a quarter.  Speaking of toothpaste just yesterday I bought 3 boxes of 6 ox crest white expressions lemon ice.  They were buy two get one free.  That came to $5 for three boxes of Crest.  That would have been about $1.66 per box which isn’t that bad because toothpaste is pretty expensive.  I had a $1 off coupon and so it really came to three 6 oz boxes for $4 which makes each box about $1.34 cents each.  Not as good as my collage deal but still a good deal.

I wasn’t finished saving yet though.  From there I went to Ross to buy some school clothes and some things to wear on our upcoming trips.  I always like to take new outfits on our trips.  I feel so much more confident as crazy as that sound.  When I was at Walmart I was looking at buying a new purse.  Since one of the places we are going is California I want to look like I belong and not some tourist who shopped at the Salvation Army pre-flight.  I saw a couple of cute purses and they were about $8.  I thought that one was particularly cute but I wanted to see what I could find at Ross first.  Then I wanted to check Rugged Warehouse.  I didn’t even go to Rugged Warehouse.  I found two very cute purses there.  One was a black leather purse from Nine West.  For a poor girl like me that’s living pretty large.  They sell those at Dillards and Hechts and you really had to look to find one that was affordable.  They said it goes for $32 normally and I bought it for $4.99.  The other one was a small brown leather purse that normally goes for $30 and I paid $5.99. These are real quality leather purses and they are small and very stylish.  I’m very pleased. 

            Of course I’ve been shopping for back to school for me.  A couple of weeks ago I bought some sweaters.  One was from Walmart and it was only $3 marked down from $12.  I couldn’t resist.  I bought a Carolyn Taylor Sweater that normally goes for $36 for $6.49.  A month ago I bought two sweaters for $1.98 a piece at Fashion Bug.  I’m thinking of going back to doing coupons once my kitchen is finished and I can start cooking again.  Then maybe I will have some real things to report. 

In the summer of 1976 our country was celebrating its Bicentennial.  Summer was endless and the scant summer breezes were laden with honeysuckle and jasmine.  The days were long and filled with infinite possibilities. It was that summer that I discovered love for the first time or maybe it found me. 

We had been friends for a year or so but I began to notice that his eyes held mine more than before.  He found more reasons to drop by to see me or call me on the phone.  Our friends were the ones to actually give name to the new feeling we felt stirring between us.  They called it love. We would deny it aloud and ponder it in silence.  Together we rode our bikes, waded into the creek with mud oozing gently between our toes, and spoke of tomorrows yet to come.

Finally the word between us was given voice.  On that night, the night that our country celebrated its Bicentennial, he walked me home from the fireworks.  Our conversation was off-hand about nothing in particular yet seeming to communicate much.  Suddenly, as we approached my door we stopped.  The words stopped.  The moments suddenly refracted like a prism with a bright hue at the corners of reality as he leaned over and whispered, “I want to kiss you.  Don’t laugh.”   We did and I didn’t. 

Just like summer gently fades to autumn and then to winter, my first love eventually gave way to new seasons in my life.  Life and love were redefined and better defined.  The years have come and gone but I still look back at the innocence of that first kiss and remember a time when I thought that love would always be as sweet and endless as a summer day.

“Does graduation ever get any easier?” I wonder as I rouse myself from bed early Saturday morning.  The fourth year you’re at a school system and watching the graduation is always interesting.  Your first year of graduation is filled with lots of names  and fresh-faced young people walking across the stage that you don’t know.  By the time you have taught in a school district for four years you know a much larger percentage of the players on the program.

As always the last week or so is filled many time worn traditions.  Yearbooks have been handed out and while you try to review for exams you quietly pretend not to see the books make the rounds as kids promise to be “friends forever” and admonish their friends to “never forget”.  Kids (funny how I still call them kids when in a matter of days they will have put school behind them) make the usual declarations.  “I can’t wait ‘till I get out of this place.”  “I’m grown” “They can just mail me my diploma because I’m not coming to graduation” and “I’m tired of all these stupid rules this school has”.  You try to let them roll over you.  After all sixteen years of hearing the same words spoken endlessly in various tones help the words actually lose their impact.  You know that they will show up for graduation.  You know that when they get to work full-time that their employer will also have “stupid rules”.  They may feel their grown and in a legal sense they will be.  You also know that when they reach their forties they will wonder what they were thinking when they uttered those words, especially when their own teenagers tell them the same things.

Every year at locker clean up I ask kids to give me any notebook paper, pens, pencils, rulers, etc. that they are going to throw away.  As a matter of fact parents would be horrified if they showed up on locker clean up day.  Kid throw away bags of pens still factory sealed in shrink wrap.  The same goes for pencils, graph paper, and regular paper.  I find myself pulling jackets, t-shirts, and almost new book bags out of the trash.  I have to gather these things up quickly before they are carted off to the dumpster.  These kids may not need these school supplies because they are leaving but there will be kids who will.  Every day of every year, inevitably I will have a student ask to borrow a pencil or pen or paper.  I hand them one and tell them to keep it.  Some teachers give them D-hall for coming to class unprepared.  They feel they are teaching the kids responsibility.  I can see that.  I can also see that a kid without his supplies won’t be able to take his notes and might disrupt your class because he’s bored.  Some teachers rent or sell the supplies.  After all they come out of our pockets for the most part.  Many times I get free supplies from this end of the year throw away and of course any recruiter who comes by or any trade show I go to. 

This year as I asked for supplies I had a student tell me “Miss Cope.  Dis ain’t the 1930’s when you was a kid.  We don’t use used pencils”  USED PENCILS?  What the heck is a used pencil anyway?  What is the lifespan of a pencil before it is considered used?  I informed him that I was born in 1959 and reminded him that he has borrowed one of my used pencils.  “You know what I meant.  People ain’t poor like dat no mo.”  Well sure I could point out how wrong he was and lecture him on being pretty judgmental or perhaps point out that he actually is that poor.  Why?  Why should I or would I?  Really it’s just his way of telling the class that his life is so big time that he would never need to take handouts.  The truth put aside it is the power of his words that makes it so at least in the mind of those who hear it.  By the time locker clean up is over I have a small shoe box filled with pencils, pens, and colored pencils.  I have eight new notebooks and twelve spiral notebooks that were never used.  I split some of my findings with the ESOL teacher.  Many of her students have come here with nothing. 

            Exam week begins with the seniors taking two of their exams early so they can attend graduation rehearsal.  Again the usual chants begin.  “They didn’t give me enough tickets.”  “The rules for graduation are stupid.”  “Why do they have all these rules on how we need to dress?”  “I’m just going to show up in t-shirt and jeans to graduation and if they try not to let me walk we’ll throw down.”  “Why do I have to wear a dress?  I never wear a dress?  This is stupid!”  “When I get my diploma I’m going to moon everyone.”  “When I go up I won’t shake anyone’s hand and I’ll just snatch my diploma and leave.”  “When they call my name I’m going to tell the principal to kiss my you know what.”  “Will you be there Ms Cope?”  No need arguing about the dress code.  They know that their parents have invited all their relatives for this important day and they won’t allow them out of the house unless they are dressed correctly.  Their parents have invested too much in this moment to allow anything to mar it in anyway.  They will show up.  They will march.  They won’t disappoint all those who are there for them.  Yes of course I will be there.

I remember these conversations and countless others as I shower to get ready for the big show.  All roads lead to this moment.  They will get the joy of people applauding them. Family and friends will be in the audience cheering them on.  It’s different than any other event.  When they were born everyone was amazed at the miracle of them.  As babies they weren’t totally aware of all the praise and awe they elicited from a single smile or each new achievement.  If they participate in sports, drama, music, they know how it feels to have a crowd cheer for them.  If not they might not ever now if it wasn’t for this day.   This the day that they are the focus of the community and adults are welcoming them to the community as an equal.  Relatives might hug them and cry and everyone wants your picture.  You are like a star for that shining moment. 

I don my black dress, black stocking, and black heels and apply my make-up.  I’m trying hard not to awaken my husband.  This is part of my job.  This is part of my life that I live separate from him.  These are the kids that I helped nurture, encourage, and grow, and although he’s heard the countless stories of their successes and failures he doesn’t know them like I do.  I hustle out to the car and play a cd of favorite songs.   

As part of the ceremony we have to arrive early and I use this time to catch my departing seniors.  They stand there looking nervous in their self-confidence.  Where they once felt invincible I suspect some of them are beginning to realize that leaving school means leaving a safe secure place we have built for them.  I see some of the students who’d sworn that they wouldn’t step foot at the graduation ceremony.  I don’t breathe the words “I thought you said….”  We both knew they were posturing when they said it.  Some hoped that I would beg them to come.  Some wanted me to know that they were to grown for school and all it’s childish rituals.  They are there and that’s what’s important.  They are dressed in suits and dresses and I always get that same feeling when I see them dressed that way.  It is like they are wearing their goodbye suit.  Their suit symbolizes an end to childhood a new beginning into adulthood. 

I run around hugging kids.  For most the waterworks haven’t begun yet.  Some of them tell me they are nervous.  Don’t be I tell them.  If I tell them to be nervous would it be better for them?  If I told them that they should be nervous because the future is a very frightening thing.  Change can be good and bad and they should be vigilant in making the right choices always.  No.  I tell them not to be nervous.  I tell them, as their family has told them, how very proud I am of them. How proud they should be of their achievement.  I remind them that this day is a celebration of all those achievements.  I hear my name shouted out over and over and I repeat the same words.  I want to impart some sort of wisdom or knowledge that age or education has conferred upon me to help them with the new challenges they face but I have none.  Each child must meet their life head-on and in their own way.  They need to make mistakes and grow from them.  It’s easier for me to give them that space because they were only my kids for an instant.

            Line-up has begun.  I need to get in line with the other teachers.  There we are in our sea of black robes.  I always laugh and think of Flip Wilson singing “here come the judge”.  It’s almost time to begin.  The music begins and we begin to march.  We teachers know the march.  No rehearsals for us.  I sit between to teachers that I am friendly with.  That’s a bad sign because even in this most solemn of occasions we still find humor in it all.  Just like the kids who are graduating the teachers are a diverse bunch.  Some of them are strictly by the book.  They march, they are quiet, they stare straight ahead, they do exactly what they were asked to do right down to the last period, they do it very well and with no deviation.  There are those teachers who have spent most of the pre-line-up time complaining about being there.  They talk about the ones they are glad to get rid of.  They speak of the crazy parents and how many years left until retirement.  I’m part of the group that tries to do what is asked of me.  I sometimes like to feel I’m part of the joke and I’m the weepy one. 

            We arrive at our seats and I look around.  The auditorium is filled.  I watch the doors where the kids are getting ready to make their entrance.  Then they begin their march.  There are the honors graduates who march first.  All our kids are wearing red gown with yellow tassels.  For days they have been practicing turning that tassel.  The rest of the graduating class is now marching in an almost seamless line.  Occasionally you hear a parent shout out.  “We love you DeRon”  “You go Michelle”. 

This is my principal’s second year here.  He is the best principal I have ever had.  You can see more of his personality in this graduation.  Up on the stage are our school administrators, our school’s administration, our Solitarian, our Valedictorian, and two of our students who are confined to wheelchairs.  Both of them were my students, Justin and Kris. 

The ceremony begins.  The Solitarian speaks of her brother and how he had only been given weeks to live about a year ago.  Then she tells us that God in his infinite mercy has allowed her brother to experience a remission and she wants to use his story as a sign of how we can all face challenges in our life and even though sometimes the odds against us seem indomitable there is always hope, there is always a wellspring of strength that we don’t know we have that will allow us to do what we need to do.  She tells her parents that she loves them and her brother that she dedicates her diploma to him.  The Valedictorian tells us about how flies regurgitate on everything they land on.  I didn’t know that.  She encourages her fellow graduates to be like a fly and leave a little bit of themselves behind in everything they do.  The chorus sings a song about climbing mountains together. 

Our principal gets up and gives out four awards to four outstanding students, one male and one female for each category.  Then he surprises me.  He begins speaking of a student whose life has changed so drastically since he was in the eighth grade.  He speaks of a young man who has met so many challenges in his short life but has always met them head on.  I hear him talking about what an inspiration he has been to his classmates and even to some of his teachers who have helped see him through.  Today the school gave a special award never before given but given to a young man who is unique in so many ways. I’m choking.  I’m trying not to cry because then of course I will be the only dorky teacher who is crying.  “I’m awarding this special plaque to Kris Blanchard.”  I jump to my feet and I’m applauding.  I guess in that moment I thought that everyone else had also risen from their seat or maybe I was just so full of the moment I didn’t care if anyone else had.  A few second later I realize that while everyone else is applauding I’m the only one standing.  I look down.  My friend tugs at my gown.  Sit down little one.  Just as I begin sitting down others begin standing and then the whole crowd is on their feet.  “See what you started” my friend teases.  I hope you don’t plan on doing this with all your kids. 

            Our assistant principal begins to speak.  One of my friends leans over to me.  “You know this is the high point of her year don’t you?  This is the moment where all eyes are upon her and she revels in it.”  He’s right. We both laugh. 

             Now she begins to call the names.  How often do you see a person’s name?  I mean the name that their parent gave them when they were newborn and hope and joy ran through their heart for that child’s future.  You see their first, middle, and last names in the paper when they are born, when they get married, when the graduate and when they die.  How often do people say them though?  When a child is first born the parents say them over and over.  This is my daughter, Catherine Anne Bennie.  After awhile they are known by one name.  When you meet people you tell people the name you go by but seldom all your names.  This moment, this moment when you graduate it is as though you’ve been named again.  That this time your name is now being said aloud for the first time as an adult.  The name given as a child takes a new significance. 

None of the kids who swore they would moon the crowd, spit in the principal’s face, give his teachers the finger, go through with their empty threats.  Sometimes you never know.  Despite being told to hold the applause you hear screams from the audience, applause, and even an occasional air horn.  Ok so the air horn is over the top but still you watch as the student looks up into the audience as someone shrieks his name.  He smiles and walks briskly over to the reception line on the stage to get his diploma.  Once the diploma case is in his hand he proceeds to take the steps back to his seat.  Often they stop at raise it above their heads.  Sometimes you see them fingering the cover and looking back out into the audience.  They walk swiftly back to their seats. 

The diplomas are conferred.  The tassels are turned.  The music begins and they begin to file out.  They walked in as students.  They walk out as graduates.  Look out world, here comes the graduates of 2006.  Better yet, look out graduates, here comes the world. 

I began doing sweepstakes and contests a long time ago.  I can still remember being 13 and listening to radio station WPGC (Where People Get Cash)  I was so into the radio back then and actually worried about my song being number one.  The morning DJ was Harv Moore and I loved when he did the school menus because if French Bread was on the menu he'd do this "French" accent and make believe he was chasing the "redhead" around the studio.  She would titter "Oh Harv.  Oh Harv stop." but you got the sense that this was all playful and obviously way before sexual harassment made the headlines.

They used to play a contest that I was pretty good at playing.  They played a song backwards.  You had to be the 10th caller and then if you could guess the song correctly then you were the winner.  I ran to the phone one day after I listened to player after player getting the wrong answer on the air.  I knew the answer and then when they announced the correct answer I laughed.  I had never thought to enter because I was certain that NO One ever really won and when they did win it's because they knew something I didn't know.  That one day convinced me that wasn't so.  The next hour they did another backwards contest and I ran to the phone.

Now to show you how very old I was it was back when ALL phones had rotary dials and there wasn't call waiting or speed dial.  There I was running down the hall at breakneck speed.  I called the number only to get a busy signal.  Being 13 I didn't realize that if you stand there with a busy signal in hand, it won't start ringing when someone else hangs up so there I stood like a big dummy.  That might have been the end of it for me but the next hour I tried one more time.  I called and the DJ said, "WPGC.  Who's this? "  I was paralyzed with fear and hung up.  Turns out I knew the song and would have won some money. 

I didn't try again for a long, long time.  When I decided to try again many people got those new fangled touch-tone phones with speed dial and I didn't have that except at work.  I got so good at it that I could tell by the busy signal if a lot of people were calling in and when to give up.  I won lots and lots of things from the radio. I went to concerts, won t-shirts, albums, meals, sports tickets, and yes even some trips!!! Those are stories in and of themselves.

When I went through my divorce back in the early 1980's I stopped doing the contest thing for awhile.  I began doing sweeps and won little gifts here and there for my boys.  No trips from the sweeps but I did win a bike one time.  I also won a trip to Disney World!  It was pretty fun but I was going to college, working two jobs, raising two boys and trying to find a man who would treat me right.  (yeah I know I'm supposed to be happy with myself, women need a man like a fish needs a bicycle, whatever)  I was slammed packed busy so I really didn't dedicate a lot of time to this hobby.  Postage cost money too so I sidetracked it for awhile.

Then I won a few trips doing local drop box sweeps.  I won a trip to the Poconos, a trip to Bush Gardens Tampa Bay, a trip to the mountains of NC.  Not bad, not bad.

I started sweeping online about three years ago and it seems I've been pretty successful. I have decided to try doing snail mail contests for awhile as an experiment.

A long time ago I tried to keep a running list but I can't put my hand on it.  They were things I won from the radio when I was in my twenties.  When I find it I will post them.  Here's what I won last year from sweeping:

James Bond action figure contest on RTM $40, African American Heritage Church Bulletins $8, $25 gift certificate to Walden Books, NIOXIN smoothing protectives moisturizing cleanser and moisturizing scalp therapy 18, weather channel branded time and temperature clock arv $5, Pokemon battle stadium arv $21.99, coupon for free chocolate covered peanuts from planters $2.99, Package of two grapefruits (ARV $15). nesquick collectible set (bowl, spoon, and tumbler) arv $3.99, Bond movie poster and CD soundtrack (ARV $30). Pappa Johns Free Breadsticks, Red Dress Ink book, bookmark and two Softlips products (ARV $15). Simpson's Library of Wisdom prize package "The Bart Book" and "The Homer Book" (ARV $19.90). Free take 5 candy bar (79 cents), Nail lacquer and glamour dust set (ARV $20),
$50 gift card to Target, Incense burner and incense holder (ARV $19), Deck of Supercuts race team playing cards (?), Two Hasbro F.A.S.T YoYo's and a stopwatch (ARV $25). Free TGI Friday's Non-alcoholic mixer ($6), FOX Sports Radio Fanjam CD (ARV $17.99), Daily Runner-Up Prizes: Explorer's Kit provided by Kampgrounds of America (ARV $14.95), 05Color Magazine ($3.95), "Lip Glaze and Glaze Lip Liner Pairs" (ARV $30). Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Turbo Basher or Air Ninja toy (ARV $9.99). Nutella t-shirt (?), Pair of BluBlocker sunglasses (ARV $20). Coupon for a free Keebler cookie product (ARV $3.50), Keebler cookie clip (ARV $.50). a second coupon for a free Keebler cookie product (ARV $3.50), Coupon for cube of Scotties Facial Tissues (ARV $1.59), Turbulence "Triumphantly" CD (courtesy of Reggae Now Records), $249 instead of a Sony PSP (BLINGO), a third coupon for a free keebler cookie product, 3 itune music downloads, Doorstep delivery of 12 cartons of Edy's Slow Churned Light Ice Cream and "Party In A Box" including napkins, ice cream scoops, spoons, name tags, disposable camera, etc. (ARV $350). Celine Dion CD (ARV $19). Suite of Swingline office products (ARV $100). Canon® PowerShot 3.2 megapixel digital camera!($279), Prize Packs – DASANI® Hat, T-shirt (size XL) and one case of DASANI® Water (24/20 oz. bottles.) ARV: $31.00, You won a month Free Membership match.com (59.95 value!), Copy of Mamá: Latina Daughters Celebrate their Mothers (ARV $11.95), $5 7-Eleven Convenience Card. WSBTV weekend getaway to one of five destinations. Each weekend getaway includes: roundtrip airfare for two on AirTran Airways, two nights accommodations at the Crowne Plaza resort (ARV of each weekend getaway is $1,100). Certificate for a family size (1.75 L) container of Edys/Dreyers Slow Churned Light Ice Cream (ARV $6.50). Bottle of SoBe Adrenaline Sport (ARV $1.39), One month supply of Daisy bags. (18.95), Prizes (500-125 per month): Beach tote bag with cooler compartment, beach towel, pedometer, and a sampling of South Beach Diet Foods from Kraft (ARV $68). Gift certificate for one carton of Edy's Slow Churned Light Ice Cream (ARV $5.50). soccer ball,A copy of "Los Cuatro Acuerdos" by Don Miguel Ruiz (ARV $11.95), Jane CD (ARV $8). The Best of Hanson: Live and Electric CD, The prize consists of a Spy Pen and a FINN™ Backpack (ARV: $18.50). Prize: Captain Fantastic And The Brown Dirt Cowboy - Deluxe Edition Reissue CD, signed copy of shilo, Set of three financial slide calculators (ARV $7.50). A copy of Your Credit Score by Liz Pulliam Weston (ARV $17.95). Your prize is one (1) Upper Deck Trading Card Game Starter Deck. ($12.99.) Old Time Candy Company
Gift certificate for (ten dollars)F.A.G. shaving cream ($22.00), Prizes (5): Mannheim Steamroller Halloween CD and four other country artist CD's (ARV $75), Red Dress pin (ARV $.85), StyleLounge VIP gift bag of products (ARV $835), Autographed paperback copy of the 3rd Violet Eyes series book, In Golden Blood (ARV $7).Choice of Maybelline Moisture Extreme Lipcolor (ARV $7.). One year subscription to Handy magazine and full benefits of the Handyman Club of America 19.97, 2 free carton of Edy's Slow Churned® Light Ice Cream. ($11.00), $100 Visa virtual account, Cake Kiss lip butter in pink berry cream (ARV $12). Fresh Face foundation (ARV $8), Sponsor-selected B.B. King CD (ARV $12.99). Blue Bunny lunchbox (ARV $25). Neutrogena Deep Clean Invigorating sample, Sugar Blossom exfoliating balm. ($14.00), Barielle Instant Liquid Nail Hardener (ARV $14). Rain Bird t-shirt (ARV $10).

Sweeping has been a great hobby for me and so far so good.  I have already recouped the cost of my yearly fee to join ols.  So there you go.  I will try to post some information about how my snail mail entries go. 

 have no shame in hating Valentine's Day. Don't get me wrong. I'm not anti-love just the commercialization of an emotion so sweet, so rare, so powerful. Samplers, saccharine cards, and suffocating expectations batter our self-esteem. Oh sure chocolate and flowers are nice but why make them an obligatory supplication to the one you love? Someone has just got to put a stop to this!

Wouldn’t it be far better if the day was spent in charitable acts for those in need? Isn’t love really shown with actions and deeds and those deeds don’t necessarily come in a shade of red or pink? If we made sure a homeless person had a nice meal and place to sleep make us a more loving person? Somehow I think our paradigm for love is totally skewed in the wrong direction on February 14th. We shouldn’t be increasing the coffers of the merchants but rather increasing our capacity for love of humankind everywhere.

When I was young Valentine's Day gave my classmates yet another way to torture and tease me. If there was a valentine with a picture of a skunk on it then you could be sure it found it's way to my Valentine Box. Kids sometimes wrote nasty things on them. I was humiliated. It's hard to be the poor kid in a class. It's hard to be the child who is targeted for abuse at school. We moved when I was in my teens and I began anew. I found people who were actually interested in me. I became a quasi swan. Although never beautiful in a true sense (sorry Grandma) I was told often how pretty I was. I had Valentine's Days with Roses and flowers and starched white table clothes. I've had Valentine's Days wondering how I was going to put food on the table for the boys, alone, and feeling unloved. I've spent Valentine's Day at Concerts, in the movies, and on the dance floor in love or hoping to be soon. I've spent Valentines Day in bed eating candy and watching old movies. I've had pissing rights with flowers delivered to me at work sometimes from more than one beau. I've watched on the sidelines as others fetched their flowers from the delivery man. I can't say that I ever felt, no matter what that total rush of wow I am overwhelmed by love this one day more than other days of the year. I am loved or have been unloved not measured by the amount spent or the way it was spent but more by the commitment of the person I was with to a relationship founded on love.

Be good to yourself and to one another and happy Valentine's Day

Where were you when the Challenger exploded?  I was in college then.  I guess like so many others I was pretty complacent as far as space travel.  When I was young there was talk about people flying around in space ships rather than cars.  As a little girl we would sometimes watch rockets launching on TV in school.  I remember looking up at the moon with my whole family the day we landed on the moon and because I was so young I was really trying hard to see the space craft.

I guess we as a nation and NASA in particular had become pretty complacent about the safety of space travel.  I say that because the challenger had a different kind of a passenger that day.  It carried a teacher.  She was an English teacher and was going to keep a journal like pioneer women did.  She was to be a pioneer of sorts.  A non-scientist headed to space. 

I remember getting out of my English class and I had to kill some time before my next class.  I had been pretty depressed that week.  My youngest son had been in the hospital and I just felt so alone.  My (ex) husband was off living with the "woman of his dreams" and not sending us one thin dime.  I was working two jobs and going to college and I was like everyone else, I wanted someone to love me, to care about me.  I just felt overwhelmed and I was walking in a haze of melancholy.  I was wondering if I shouldn't give up college, get a real job and that way I could get on with my life.  I passed by the big screen TV and saw some students gathered around.  I knew the Challenger was launching that day but I'd seen so many rockets launch.  I was in my mid 20s then and didn't really feel part of the college crowd.  I walked by totally out of touch not looking. 

I headed for the cafeteria.  I had just pulled my can of diet coke out of the machine when two people walked by at a fast clip and said, "The Challenger exploded?  They are all dead. No one could survive that."  WHAT?  I was frozen in the moment.  Why would anyone say such a thing.  Exploded?  What are they talking about. 

There is a country western video in which two lovers reunite in a train station.  It's filmed in such a way where although you see everyone rushing at top speed past them the two lovers are walking in slow motion.  That is how this felt to me.  I was standing there and almost as suddenly people were almost running out of the cafeteria to the student area.   I felt like each step I took was with bricks.  It just couldn't be.  I could hear the concern and the conversations and understood what they were saying but it all kind of seemed garbled.  I got to the crowd to see the news replay the explosion.

My generation had always felt you should go out in a blaze of glory.  I was watching a blaze of glory and it didn't seem a better way to go.  I was just transfixed by it all.  They were looking for survivors although they knew there would be none.  Did McCulliffe really understand that this could cost her her very life?  She had children didn't she?  What of the others? 

I eventually went to my next class.  so many people didn't show that they cancelled it.  Some people complained that the coverage interrupted their soaps.  There was a great deal of sadness in my heart.  When I heard people criticizing NASA and then the talk about scaling down NASA and all I understood.  I understood because I had dreams once and they too were falling down around me because I hadn't planned so carefully and I had been careless.  The difference was my mistakes hadn't caused anyone's death.  Still when the families of the dead talked about wanting their loved one's visions to go on and that they believed in what NASA's vision was I thought maybe I could go on with my vision too.

I am one who tries to take from things I learn.  Good, bad, success, and disaster and try to apply them to my life.  People who do what these people do are a whole different breed of people than I am.  They are willing to take great personal risks and overcome great obstacles for a vision and dream that requires their best.  I sometimes wonder if in any of them had any personal doubts?  Did they ever feel less than?  Did they always believe that they could do anything they set out to do?  One thing for sure.  They will each be missed by those who loved and cared about them and remembered by us all. 

Recently NASA was looking for another teacher to go.  This time they wanted a Science teacher specifically.  I had thought about applying until I read that part.  I thought about it and then got frightened about being confined to such a small place.  I was mostly frightened about dying.  That's how I see it now.  Dying. Was I willing to die for a dream that was not really mine? Did I want it just to prove something to myself?  Would that be worth it? 

Darryl took Mike and I to Hunstville and we toured NASA space camp.  Space Fight was interesting to me but not a dream of mine.  I guess I have lived most of my dream.  Regrettably not in the way I imagined I would.  To a large extent I have only myself to blame.  Just like the space program I need to move past my disasters and really look at what can be done in the future.  I can't let disaster define me.  I can allow it to shape my life but I can't allow it to rule me.