My Life

A long, long time

I haven't written anyhing in a very long time. Some times there is just so much going on that I can't process it all and put it down in any sensible way.

Of course it's the Holiday, I like to think of it as the Holy Day, season. It's a great time of the year but it's so easy to lose focus with all the busyness going on. We have Christmas with my family this coming Saturday, then the next is a Mommy weekend so I will try to do a lot of baking on that day to keep myself busy and in the spirit. The next weekend is our Church's Live Nativity, that keeps us hopping for three nights in a row. The twins will be angels, am looking forward to that. Then the next weekend they'll be with Mom again, which works out well cause they can have their Christmas with her then. I don't know when Dad's going to get worked in, we are so busy, he will probably just have to come here. Then our choir is doing a Cantata on Christmas Eve. See? So much to do. I try to keep it down as much as possible and just enjoy the time.

We're having trouble with our son, which is nothing new. He is headstrong and hot tempered. I'm afraid he gets this from my genes although I'm not THAT headstrong or hot tempered. There are those in my family that are. To make a long one short, he has borrowed quite a tidy sum from us for several different things; owed his Dad for an FS bill, finally did pay that but only after a blow up, owed me $300 of my Christmas money, I leant it to him to get his utilities turned on and he promised to pay it back before now. Once again he has payed 200 of it but only after much fussing. He still owes me 100 plus 500 on our Visa bill. I know, I know, don't lend him anymore. I get it I get it I get it, and I have told him so. But he is still mad and not talking to us much, right in time for the holidays. And why is he mad you may ask? Who knows? He owes us money, we ask him many times to pay us, and then he gets mad, like he is the wronged one here.  Oh, well, he is a good boy under all that upheaval and he will come around.

I was proud of my hubby though because he actually called our son and talked to him which is quite a coup for my nonconfrontational hub.

On the up side, our daughter has gone off birthcontrol!!!!!! Which means that hopefully we will have a grandbaby in 2008. Now that is exciting!

Well, just in case I don't get on here again for a very long time, Merry Christmas to everyone!

So many things....

Where to begin? It was a mommy weekend, and I must admit I am impressed, still concerned about a few things but she is actually trying. Her and I have always been able to talk, we were friends at one time and that carries us through a lot. This time I thought of a new thing to try to make the twins' transition to coming back home earlier and she agreed to try it. She dropped the older two off first then came in with the twins and stayed awhile. Bay really had no problems, never did cry but did stick close to Mom while she was here. Steven carried on like he always does, cried and cried. She and I sat in Steven room with both kids for AN HOUR working on calming him down, and she did very well. She gets very emotional herself and of course it is hard on her to leave them  She really does love her kids. She told them how much she loved them and how much we loved them and how they needed to stay with us because we could care for them better than she could. Steven was still crying when she left, so was she, although she controlled it very well, and Steven was calm enough that he was ready to accept me again. I think they just have all these mixed loyalties. Like if the love me does that mean they don't love her? And vice versa. It's so hard on everyone. But we handled it. She is still talking about getting custody back of the two older ones though. And that will add a whole new thing to it, will the twins think she loves the older two more than them? One more thing we'll have to handle if it ever happens.

Then Sunday night at church I decided to blow up at a woman there who for some reason doesn't like my daughter and is always rude to her. I won't even go into the whole story because it is just weird and goes back 6 yrs. to when my daughter and her husband first started dating. Anyway, I blew my top and then of course felt horribly about it so today had to call and apologize. We talked a bit and either she is oblivious to how she treats my daughter or else is just really good at pretending she doesn't know what I am talking about. And we are not imaging it, others have commented on it. But at least I was able to make nice and smooth things over and maybe she will give a little and not act like a with to Gab.

A much better day.....

Yesterday we went to Wal-Mart and bought me some over the counter menopause type herbal medicine and since I've only taken three, you take one every morning and one every night, I doubt it has kicked in, but I think psychologically knowing that I've got something that's going to help had made me feel better already. Plus I talked to my mom in law this morning and she said that when she went through the change she felt like she was going crazy. Exactly, and thank God other women have gone before us and understand. I told my hubby that either we got this type of medicine or I was calling the Dr. today. I just felt like I was losing it. Anyway, hopefully it really does help.

It's really windy here today. I think it's just supposed to get colder and colder. Brrrrr. But I do like this time of the year and am already looking forward to the holidays.

Another Moody day

Halloween

I'm not a big Halloween fan. I think I quit doing it with the first two around ages 5 and 7, but here I am doing it again. They are so cute though that I really don't mind doing it right now. Bay was Dorothy and Steven was the cowardly lion. I always try to make them something that goes together. It's the whole twinny thing. It's fun and they were just adoreable. We didn't go to that many house. I don't see the need for all the candy, just family and a few friends. Their bro and sis came over so I got a picture of all four of them although Steven was no longer a lion and his whiskers were smeared. He cried, as usual, when they left.

Now on to better things! It's Novemeber! Time for the holiday season. I love this time of the year, and yes, I am almost done with my shopping already! Except for the difficult to buy for men in my life. I know, it's horrible, but I sell Avon and buy alot of gifts off my demos which are like half the regular price. So it's easy and less expensive. Two pluses.

As you can tell my mood is somewhat better for however long that lasts. I just take it one day at a time.

Happy November!

Sometimes....

Sometimes I feel like such a failure. I am so grouchy and I yell at everyone. I have no patience at all. And there is not enough time in the day to do all I feel I need to do plus take care of the twins, plus have a husband, plus spend any time with friends, plus have any time for myself. Over the weekend my hubby said something about our lack of sex life, it's not gone, just not flourishing, and it really hurt my feelings. I do the best I can. I'm tired all the time. And now I feel so sad. Like I'm failing everyone. What can I say? I don't know. I see others out there that seem to do it all with such easiness, or at least they make it look easy, a job, a family. How do they do it? Is it because of my age? I know I'm perimenopausal. So maybe it's just my weirdly changing hormones. I didn't have a period this month. That happens every six months or so now and I think it has something to do with my present mood. Forgive me. This too shall pass. I hope.

Always something

It seems like this is all I ever write about, their mother, once again. She called today to say that she wouldn't be getting them this weekend as she was supposed to because they were going to be moving. Maybe it's true, maybe it's not,  You know what though, if we were moving this weekend, they would be right there underfoot the entire time, I assure you they would be. And who know's if it is true. It is also the weekend before Halloween, which is also her birthday. So who knows what plans she has. All I know is I had plans, we had plans, and now we don't, we have kids.  So what else is new huh?

Exhausted

I am so tired today and I don't know why. Hubby bought me some new over the counter sleeping pills last night and I don't know if they're overworking on me and don't realize it's no longer night time or what. I don't really think it can be the pills because it is noon and I am still dragging. Baileigh slept with me last night but she wasn't bad and didn't keep me up much, and Steven slept all night. It stormed but I didn't even know it. Who knows? If I didn't have so much to accomplish around here I would just go back to bed now that the kids are on the bus and gone for a few hours. Boy I'm typing fast. A friend of mine used to swear that I had that disease whose name I cannot think of right now, but it makes you sleepy all the time. Oh, well, it's off to do this dishes and laundry I go. Talk to you all later.

Just when I think it's getting better....

Night and Day off

Hi all. Thought I would try to be seasonal with my colors here. I just love this time of the year.

The twins are off at Mommy's until tonight at six, so hub and I had last night to ourselves. It was so funny. After they left we went in, sat down and talked forever it seemed. Uninterrupted. It was nice. We speant the evening at home just watching tv because I had a lot of running to do last week and didn't want to get back in the car.

The kids are funny about their visits. They like going, of course, they love her and adore their sibs, but the day they leave they are all over us, kissing and hugging and telling us how much they love us, and then the day after they come back they think we should carry them everywhere. Which is quite the chore now since he weighs 45 and her about 38.

Today a friend and I went out for breakfast and now I am home doing things that need to be done, laundry, dishes, an online writing class that I've started. Plus I want to back something before they get home tonight.

At first the times away were tough and I do still miss them, but I also realize that we need the downtime.

Sharing

 I am obviously not good at it. Sharing that is. The twins that is. They left today to go spend the night at their father's with their brother and sister. Sounds great, right? They get to spend time with them, Davey and I get some alone time, much needed mind you. I should be happy, right? But I'm not, I'm sad. I'm depressed. And not because I don't want them to go spend time with them. I do. They love it. It's good for them. And I like to think we can all work together to make a big, happy family for all the kids. I just miss them so much when they're not here. And I know, deep in my heart, that they're not ours, not really, and someday everything might change. Don't worry, I'll take a nap, I'll be alright. And they'll be back tomorrow. There's no reason for me to feel this way, and so I don't tell anyone, just you guys, because I don't want to hear all their sage advice. It is what it is, and I feel what I feel.

The weekend

Today there is no school, which means pure madness at my house.  Tonight we are going to MacDonald's and WalMart to buy a birthday present for their sis Apryl. I haven't heard anything about a party so we may just give it to her Sunday. They are all spending Sunday night at their father's. He promised no smoking. Actually he says he is quitting before their 2nd child is born which is only a few mos. away. Good for him! Tomorrow, Saturday, we are doing nothing. I have my garage sale stuff out again so we will just hang here and see if anyone comes around. Ha! Ha! I don't seem to get many people. Oh, well. There's always Goodwill. And then Monday, of course is Columbus Day, so as soon as they get home from their Dad's, Gab and I are taking them to Siloam Springs, a park, to collect some pretty fall stuff. They will love it. Have a good weekend everybody.

The biweekly mommy

Arguing with myself, guess who won?

Blowin' off steam

I'm seeing red. Another one of those days? What is God trying to teach me? Patience? Tolerance? Self-Control? All of the above? I'm not in the mood. Don't believe in saying "No." to God or anything but I think I deserve a break!!!!!

So, today I left the kids with a friend who has a son in their class and went off to see a friend in another town. Usually she comes to me but I feel that is unfair and I should go her way sometimes too, so today was the day.

All was going well, except that the kids drove me nuts this morning when I was trying to get us all ready and I could hardly take a shower because of their shenanigans. But I got us ready, got them to my friend's house and set off for my other friends. Got there, had lunch, we're sitting on the couch chatting and my phone rings, it's my daughter telling me that Steven threw up and they couldn't get hold of me, I got my cell # wrong, not on purpose mind you. So the first friend was going to pick him up and take him to her house til I got home, which would be at least an hour. I called her and she thought it was just a one time thing due to some yogurt drink she had given him for lunch, told me not to hurry.

So I chatted a little more and then headed home, picked up Steven and then waited for Baileigh to come home on the bus. Not a one time thing, he has now thrown up at least three times and also the other end erupted once. I know, I'm grossing you out. Sorry.

Then hubby has to help by doing what? Not helping. I'm not even going to get into it, but according to him nothing I decide upon is right, he has to question every decision I make and argue with me about everything. When Baileigh gives me problems because she's jealous of her sick brother, he either sits there and does nothing or overreacts and makes it worse.

Thank God, the one who is trying to make me grow against my will, they are both asleep now. Maybe I can have two mins. of peace.

One of those days....

You know, one of those days when these are your colors, grey and blue? One of those yucky days when you wish everyone would just go away and leave you in peace, if only for a little while? Actually I'm having my peace now, the twins just got on the bus, but I know my mood and my three hours and 20  minutes won't be enough peace. I need a day, or two, or three?

And to make it worse, I just watched the Today Show where this family has 17, seventeen, that's right, children. And I can't even handle two! As I was trying to watch the segment, where all the children were well behaved, I was yelling at the twins because they were being their normally wild and crazy selves, and then I felt horrible because here these people do it with 17! So what do they know that I don't?

And it wasn't just because they were on tv. Oh no! They all play piano and violin, except the tinies of course, and grandma says she can take them all to the grocery store without any problems. Sorry, it kind of makes me sick. I try to plan my grocery trips during school hours.

Some people just have it, I lost it if I ever did have it.

And it goes on and on and on......

Today I talked to the gaurdian of the older two children and she had some interesting information for me.

Like: Their mom told her two weeks ago that she wasn't taking the twins this weekend because "I" didn't want her to because of the wedding. LIE!  What really irks me about this is that she made me out to be the bad guy who didn't want the twins to go with her. I'm sure Apryl, their sister is upset about it, and who did mom put the blame on? Me.

And she brought the older two home early Saturday, around 3:30 so she could have taken the twins and returned them in plenty of time for the wedding as we had previously discussed.

And it wasn't a basketball game inside the Y, it was a softball game outside. This was my assumption because last year they played ball at the Y. So why couldn't she take the twins? I took them to a lot of their brother and sister's games this summer and they were fine.

Why? Cause for some reason she didn't want to take them this weekend.

And. she  had a falling out with her Dad and Stepmom, who she rents from, or rented from. I guess the cops were called and they were served with an eviction notice. So she plans to move to the towns she works in and trade in their truck for a car. She was borrowing her Dad's car when she came to pick up all four kids.

I feel it won't be long before she disappears for a while again which is par for the course. She does fine for a few months and then it's all too much, and we're left to explain it to the kids.

Their Mom's turn....

It's always something around here. Their mom called last night and wanted to talk about this weekends visit. I guess, as of now, unless I hear differently, and she was supposed to call this morning and didn't, there will be no visit for the twins this weekend. It's amazing how she can do what's convenient for her.

We have a wedding, my daughter's best friend, this Saturday at 4:30, and mom and I had talked about having the twinkies back early on Sat. so they could go with us to the wedding. Then last night she calls and says she doesn't think she'll get them, just the older two, because of the wedding, like she's making it easier for me, because older sis has a ballgame Fri. night, (that she doesn't want to have to take the twins too because that could be difficult for her), and now, to make her decision easier, because Steven has been sick, and maybe he should stay home so I can take care of him and it won't interupt her plans.

And who gets to tell the twins this news that is going to upset them? Oh, me of course, probably why she didn't call this morning like she said she would. Bay already knows, she sked this morning before Steven got out of bed, and while she pouted a little she seems fine about it. Steven hasn't asked me about it yet, but he will, and then I will have to tell him, and then he'll be mad, and I'll have to handle it.

They are going back to school today. Hurrah! And except for a few minor household chores I plan to take it easy. After yesterday I deserve a rest.

Angry Grandma

And would you like to know why?

Because my precious Steven had to go to the Dr. today and he has crossed the line from preasthmatic, to full fledged asthma. The Dr. said he was one step away from being in the hospital. I have to give him breathing treatments every four hours, and prednisolone, a steroid, probably mispelled , twice a day.

And why did he cross the line you may ask?

Because their stupid father took them to spend the night last Friday for the first time and smoked the entire time. They came home reaking, and Steven came home sick as a little puppy.

And he, their father, knows very well that Steven can't be around that. He's had problems ever since he was a newborn.

Their mom smokes too but she at least doesn't smoke in the car or house when she's got the kids.

When I questioned the twins about it they said yes, he smoked in the van and in the house and when they said something about it, because they always do, he said this was HIS house.

Well, that's all fine and dandy, but THEY ARE STEVEN'S LUNGS!!! So I am having a talk with Dad, and Mom, and tell them what the Dr. said. I also have a note from the Dr. saying absolutely NO SMOKING AROUND THIS CHILD!

And I am telling Dad that if he wants the twins to come to his house then he will follow the rules. I'm  not letting them spend the night and then have Steven at the Dr. the next day.

Mom has a court order saying she gets them every other Friday night, Dad doesn't so I'm not required to let them go. And I'm sure that if I take the Drs. note to the lawyers office I can make it so that they don't go because it is not in their best interest.

On the flip side my hubby was on vacation all of last week and speant the entire time redoing Bay's room. It is now bubblegum pink. I tell everyone it looks like a bubblegum factory exploded in our house. But she likes it.

Have a good one.

Mommy weekend

 I guess it went okay and now, on Monday they're acting normal again. But, oh boy, was Saturday night ever a nightmare! The got home a little before six. The other gaurdians weren't home so Mom and the two older kids hung around here for like half and hour. Then the other two were finally picked up, and Steven bawled, then immediately Mom said goodbye and left too, must be nice to just jump in your car and leave two screaming 4 yr. olds to us. They were horrible! Tired and hot, and Steven has about a dozen, no joke, mosquito bites from going fishing, which makes me angry because he hasn't had that many bites over the entire summer and one day with her, when she "forgets" to put anything on them and bam! he's covered in bites! Anyway, the bawled and squalled almost nonstop til they fell asleep, and it made me feel awful, like maybe we're wrong and they belong with their mother and siblings. They don't understand why things are the way they are, they just know they love mommy and they love Tyler and Apryl and want to be with them. Sunday at church they were very clingy, wanting Davey and me to carry them everywhere. Steven weighs nearly 45 lbs. so this is no small thing! Sunday afternoon we just relaxed and that evening we went with Gab and Derek  to MacDonalds and to Wal-Mart to get some stuff for Bays room which is getting redone this week while Davey's on vacation. So another two weeks of normalcy and then we can do it all over again. Joy! Joy!